balance?

things i have to do today:

take care of the baby (change, feed, play, entertain, teach)
online class discussion, reading, and homework
english homework
reading for the college experience
get transmission fluid changed
take juan lunch
fold and put away all laundry
take out trash
wash bottles
clean and vacuum room
change sheets and make the bed
check out ESOP program
go to work out class
pick up juan from work
get rid of headache
figure out and make dinner


things juan has to do today:

work from 7 to 3:30
come home play xbox and on the computer


seems to me like theres something wrong with this
maybe im wrong but there doesnt seem too be much balance

make it count

  I havent been able to get back to sleep this morning, theres too many thoughts running thru my head. you really only get one chance in life, and to tell you the truth if i had access to a time machine i would totally start my life over go back to middle school and not start cutting class and hanging around people that were going to get me in trouble. i wish i could re do highschool and stay in class, get good grades, and use my brain like i was afraid too back then. i should have been more proud of how smart i was, but i was so scared that no one would like me if i was smart. all i ever wanted was to be accepted and to have friends, and i do love my friends but i shouldve handled to situation differently. if i wouldve been my own leader i wouldve graduated from tennyson, went to college, i wouldve already had my degree and an amazing job right now.
  i am very grateful for what i do have and what i have accomplished but i could have been so much more, i could have done so much and seen so much and been so many more places. its all in the choices we make so
i hope as i raise my son i can show him how precious life is, and that hes only got one shot to make it in life and i hope to teach him to strive to reach his goals, i want him to WANT to be better than what i am. i also hope by going to college now and him seeing how hard i am trying to make his life better he will grow up knowing it wont be so hard if you do things right the first time around.  i am very hopefully for my son and his generation and i cant wait to see how well he does in life. no matter the outcome i will always be proud of him and love him.


'  Everything you do in life you need to make it count.

DreamScape

How can you dream of someone you dont even know? I had a handful of dreams last night and they were all pretty crazy. but the one that stuck out most to me was the dream that my father was in.

I dont even know the old bastard, hell i dont even have a picture of him facing a camera i have 2 pictures and hes not looking in either of them. i havent seen this "guy" since i was 4 years old, and the worst part is we've lived in the same city my whole life. i dont know if he just never cared to look for me or what. but in my dream he sure in the hell knew who i was.

 i woke up thinking he must either be thinking about me, be looking for me (i doubt it), or knows im looking for him. i cant find much about him online but i do know he owned his own cement company, he was in a union, hes got a house boat, at least 3 properties in Hayward,  hes probably around 67, his name is George William Burchell, and he owes me back pay on child support. 

i know he has other kids, i dont even know how many. he could even be dead for all i know.

i jsut want to find him and knock on his door and see if he knows who i am when he opens it. from what im told i look alot like my mom.

RIP Mommy

(maybe not so much from that picture, maybe if i do my hair like that. )

maybe ive got daddy issues, or maybe i want to spit in his face, or maybe ill give him a chance, or we can just talk to something, i dont know anymore. ive been wanting to meet him for so long i just feel like my time is running out for some reason. hes the only blood parent i got left. i just wanna know what he would say to me. would he try to apologize or just shrug it off. ive got so many questions and all i ever think is that he'll shoot them all down and go back to ignoring my existence.  hes done a pretty damn good job so far. 

but i guess everyone deserves a chance :/ guess my mind is going to be running around in circles all day, chasing its tail, till it blows up. BOOM......