balance?

things i have to do today:

take care of the baby (change, feed, play, entertain, teach)
online class discussion, reading, and homework
english homework
reading for the college experience
get transmission fluid changed
take juan lunch
fold and put away all laundry
take out trash
wash bottles
clean and vacuum room
change sheets and make the bed
check out ESOP program
go to work out class
pick up juan from work
get rid of headache
figure out and make dinner


things juan has to do today:

work from 7 to 3:30
come home play xbox and on the computer


seems to me like theres something wrong with this
maybe im wrong but there doesnt seem too be much balance

make it count

  I havent been able to get back to sleep this morning, theres too many thoughts running thru my head. you really only get one chance in life, and to tell you the truth if i had access to a time machine i would totally start my life over go back to middle school and not start cutting class and hanging around people that were going to get me in trouble. i wish i could re do highschool and stay in class, get good grades, and use my brain like i was afraid too back then. i should have been more proud of how smart i was, but i was so scared that no one would like me if i was smart. all i ever wanted was to be accepted and to have friends, and i do love my friends but i shouldve handled to situation differently. if i wouldve been my own leader i wouldve graduated from tennyson, went to college, i wouldve already had my degree and an amazing job right now.
  i am very grateful for what i do have and what i have accomplished but i could have been so much more, i could have done so much and seen so much and been so many more places. its all in the choices we make so
i hope as i raise my son i can show him how precious life is, and that hes only got one shot to make it in life and i hope to teach him to strive to reach his goals, i want him to WANT to be better than what i am. i also hope by going to college now and him seeing how hard i am trying to make his life better he will grow up knowing it wont be so hard if you do things right the first time around.  i am very hopefully for my son and his generation and i cant wait to see how well he does in life. no matter the outcome i will always be proud of him and love him.


'  Everything you do in life you need to make it count.

DreamScape

How can you dream of someone you dont even know? I had a handful of dreams last night and they were all pretty crazy. but the one that stuck out most to me was the dream that my father was in.

I dont even know the old bastard, hell i dont even have a picture of him facing a camera i have 2 pictures and hes not looking in either of them. i havent seen this "guy" since i was 4 years old, and the worst part is we've lived in the same city my whole life. i dont know if he just never cared to look for me or what. but in my dream he sure in the hell knew who i was.

 i woke up thinking he must either be thinking about me, be looking for me (i doubt it), or knows im looking for him. i cant find much about him online but i do know he owned his own cement company, he was in a union, hes got a house boat, at least 3 properties in Hayward,  hes probably around 67, his name is George William Burchell, and he owes me back pay on child support. 

i know he has other kids, i dont even know how many. he could even be dead for all i know.

i jsut want to find him and knock on his door and see if he knows who i am when he opens it. from what im told i look alot like my mom.

RIP Mommy

(maybe not so much from that picture, maybe if i do my hair like that. )

maybe ive got daddy issues, or maybe i want to spit in his face, or maybe ill give him a chance, or we can just talk to something, i dont know anymore. ive been wanting to meet him for so long i just feel like my time is running out for some reason. hes the only blood parent i got left. i just wanna know what he would say to me. would he try to apologize or just shrug it off. ive got so many questions and all i ever think is that he'll shoot them all down and go back to ignoring my existence.  hes done a pretty damn good job so far. 

but i guess everyone deserves a chance :/ guess my mind is going to be running around in circles all day, chasing its tail, till it blows up. BOOM......

Gone Forever, Never Forgotten

Hey Mom,
   hows it goin where you are? i miss you like crazy :/ i wish i couldve had more time with you but im glad i got the time that we did have together. theres so much i have to say, and i guess that why im writing this. Theres so much thats happened since you were taken away from me....and i know that night you probably tired calling and im sorry i didnt answer my phone. i should've paid more attention, you always paid attention to me. i didnt think there couldve been anything wrong, and you know i was out with hector and gilbert and i hadnt seen them in a long time.....im just SO sorry, i got drunk and wasnt paying attention to my phone. i wonder if i wouldve answered if i couldve saved your life. if i wouldnt have been so selfish would you still be here. sometimes i want to pick up my phone and call you, then i remember i cant call you anymore, i cant tell you what im thinking about or that im listening to your favorite Michael Jackson song and how much i miss you singing it :') 
   You never got a chance to meet juan, and you werent around for my whole crazy pregnancy. im sorry it didnt work out the first time, but thats the past. you would love Xavier, he loves the Beatles haha the first time i put them on for him he was throwing a fit and they started playing and he instantly calmed down. i wish you couldve been there for me, thru the morning sickness, heat flashes, heart burn, weight gain, stretch marks!!! UGH i think it wouldve been easier with my best friend around. i know i did some mean stuff and i dont think i ever apologized enough for fucking up. im trying so hard not to cry right now its ridiculous.
   your in my dreams alot and your always telling me your not dead, your alive. boy i wish that was true. i cant help but think about you all the time, ill never be able to tell you how much i miss you. how much appreciated you, you brought me into this world and you may not have had me for very long but you were a huge staple in my life. ill never forget you. i cant wait till i lose all this baby weight so i can get your tattoo, i know you would kill me but if you saw what i have in mind you would happy cry. theres still so much more i can say but i know your watching over me and i want to thank you. sometimes i smell your clothes and i hug them and cry. they still smell like you.....and i never want to lose that scent. ill never forget it.....i have to go so i can sit here quietly with these tears streaming down my face. i miss you so much.................i wish i could see your face and get one more hug, and maybe a few recipes ive been craving pork and beans hahaha. i love you FOREVER and im sure ill see you again some day
         love always,
your baby girl
Rachael <3

RIP Janet Lee McCalley Frey <3

untitled

i wish i could end this
but it would be for all the wrong reasons
and i would just be being selfish.
i have more than just myself to worry about now
i wish i was young again
i would've done things alot different

LIfe and Times part 1

 I have been wanting to put my life story on paper for a long time, i've started the process before but i have never been able to finish, so im hoping i can actually commit this time and get everything done. Here is my story.

   My name is Rachael Marie McCalley, I was born May 6th, 1989 in an ambulance in San Leandro CA. My parents are Janet Lee McCalley Frey and George William Burchell. My mother is dead and i don't know my  father, he denied that i was his daughter for the first 2 years of my life. I have one half brother and his name is Steven Sanchez. As i type these words my 5 month old son Xavier Antonio McCalley-Medrano is slowly passing out for nap time.

   I lived with my mother and an older man named Joe in a trailer park on Huntwood ave. in hayward until i was around 5 years old. My mother wasnt the best mother but she did her job the best she could, she taught me right from wrong, that everyone is the same no matter their size or the color of their skin, etc. I still believe that to this day. She was addicted to crack and from what i have been told most of my life she used drugs, smoked cigarettes, and drank while she was pregnant with me. As a result the odds were already stacked up against me before i was even born. I have never let those odds keep me back or handicap me in any way, I am a survivor and i strive to do what needs to be done to be a successful woman and mother. 

   I can remember the day my mother found out she had diabetes, we were packing and getting ready to go to Disneyland, i was wearing a white dress with colorful flowers, it was my favorite dress at the time. she had been feeling sick all day, then the ambulance came and took her to the hospital. I stayed home with Joe and our neighbors. When she returned from the hospital she still looked sick but recovered and we left on our trip. a few months later Joe died, it was a sad time but my mom told me i would sit in his room and talk but there was no one there, when she asked me who i was talking to i would tell her Jojo, i don't know if i believe in spirits lingering around but i know i must have been talking to someone.

   A few months after Joe died we moved to an apartment in north hayward on second street. After awhile either my Mom was either doing drugs with the neighbor or they found out and called the police and CPS. They day they showed up at my house i had stayed home from school because i didnt feel good. My Mom was asleep when i heard a knock on the door, so i answered and it was a police man, and i was taught to trust them, he asked me where my Mom was and i told him that she was asleep in the bedroom. They went in and woke her up and told her that they were taking me away, and from the report i learned that the neighbors had lied and said my mother would leave me alone in the house and i would go to their house crying because i was hungry. My mother may have been a drug addict but there was always food in the house, so i would have no reason to be going over there for any reason except to play with the kids and my mother would never just leave me alone, i remember her taking me with her a few times to her drug dealer and then we would go home. My mother was crying and I had no idea what was going on, i was taken to a cop car and i remember looking out the window back at her knowing i need to get back to her because we needed eachother, my mom couldn't survive without me.
  We ended up at the Hayward Police Station and i remembered how to get home, and i wrestled with myself on if i should run out of the car and run back to my mom or stay. I was so scared and i didn't know what to do, I ended up staying in the car crying and upset. I was taken to a home in fremont with a woman named Stephanie, i was put in a room with an older girl named Rachel. There were alot of other kids there, it was a very dark and closed off house, i dont really ever remember playing outside. Stephanie was very strict and obese, there were 2 adopted boys there and she showed them special privileges. I got into trouble for the first time i could remember, she made me stand in the corner and all i wanted to do was run out the front door. I went to a school but i dont remember the name. We went out to lunch once and i liked what i was eating so i asked her if i could have some more, so she ordered me a whole plate and i couldn't finish it, she made me take it home and sit at the table until i finished it. There was a boy with me and she made him do the same thing. one of her rules was you couldn't leave the table until you finished you food. We sat there for so long we both peed our pants, so she took me and the boy undressed us and made us take a shower together. We went there for very much longer and Stephanie had her foster parenting licence taken away, CPS picked all of us up and we were taken to different foster homes. 
  The next home i lived in i believe was in Santa Clara, i was placed with 3 other children from Stephanie's house including the boy i was made to shower with. I remember a trampoline inside the house, lots of toys and video games. i wasn't there for very long because it was only a temporary home. I had the most fun of my little life i had ever had when i lived there. My mind was seriously blown by that trampoline and being introduced to Sonic The Hedgehog.
  After they found me long term housing i was moved back to Hayward down the street from where i grew up with my mother. I was 5 almost 6 years old when i moved in and i lived there for 11 years. I ended up going back to my old school Bowman Elementary. When i moved in there were 4 other foster kids already living there. So many things happened while i lived there its hard to list everything. but i will say i had a very strict upbringing, and i was constantly grounded. i had no social live and when i wasn't in my room in trouble or at school i was at a bowling alley. My foster mom worked at a bowling alley, and my foster Dad bowled there. I never really had friends in elementary, i was pretty much a loner. Then i started middle school at Cesar Chavez and i learned how to cut school. I also became very depressed and started cutting myself, i only had 2 or 3 friends. I went to a court appointed therapist and never told her anything, i was very closed off because i guess i never trusted anyone enough to talk to them and tell them my problems. 
  I had/have separation issues because of being taken from my mother. we had visiting every week. it started out on Saturdays and i would go to her boyfriends house and spend the day. once i would get home i would be upset of course because i wanted to stay with her and never go back home. My foster mom took it as acting out and accused my mother so she told the social worker then we had to have supervised visits at a park. it definitely wasn't the same but at least i got to see her. she was always in and out of  programs for alcohol and drug abuse and we lost contact for a long time. i then found out she would call and my foster mother would tell her i didnt want to talk to her, which was a lie, and that would break her heart and she removed herself from my life. I spent some time with my biological family summer break, but mainly holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. the year i turned 11 my Uncle forgot to pick me up for Thanksgiving and it devastated me. From then on i spent most of my time at home with my foster family.

Waiting....

she sits there waiting

staring out the window

she needs to be saved

but nobody knows it

she used to be so happy

but then something changed

shes scared to leave but

even more scared to stay

shes got to get out

and be free from this strife

all it takes is a step

and she can be out the door

in the back of her head

she knows he'll find her

but right now

that doesnt matter anymore

shes tired of waiting to be saved

so shes going to save herself